A caveat: Before anyone reads this and gets unduly angry with me...unless otherwise indicated, hypotheticals in this post are purely hypothetical and don't relate to anyone specifically. They're a mixture of literally hundreds of situations involving dozens of people over a number of years.
I was always raised with the understanding that I was never to let anyone down if I could help it, including myself. As a kid, that meant always going to school, always making my sports practices and games, always going to a friend's house or party if I'd said I would, no matter what else came up that might have sounded better. If I committed to play on a soccer team, I'd better not miss a game unless I was basically hospitalized - even if I had a ton of homework on my plate. I'd made a commitment to my coach and teammates with the understanding that I would have to sacrifice a little bit of myself. My assumption - and I would hypothesize that this is the major source of my problem now - was that they would sacrifice a little bit of themselves in return.
Case in point: I played middle school soccer and in the middle school band. My dad used to attend a yearly magistrates' conference for work, and in the years when it took place in a locale more exciting than Gastonia, NC (that is, most years), the family would go along for the ride. We'd hike through the mountains or hang out on the beach while Dad attended his conference. In my 8th grade year, my dad's state conference was being held in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. None of the family had ever been, and so we were all excited at the prospect of going. The problem arose when I realized that the conference conflicted with both a soccer game and a school band performance. I'd made a commitment in both cases that I didn't feel like I could break. And so, in what everyone else treated as a shocking move on my part, I spent a few days at my best friend's house while my family gallivanted off to the beach. Over the course of those few days, I managed to contract poision ivy, and ultimately was unable to even play in the soccer game (and was in some serious pain for about a week). I did my part in the band concert, playing the snare drum and faking it as best I could on the bells (oops!) To this day, I'm a lifelong resident of North Carolina and still have not been to the Outer Banks. Everyone tells me I should really see Jockey's Ridge.
Even my mom thought I was nuts when I announced my decision to hang around school rather than accompany my family on a trip to the beach. What right-minded 13-year-old makes that decision (this raises the question of whether any 13-year-old is ever in his right mind, but for the sake of argument...) But the fact of the matter was, this was what she had ingrained in me. Sure, the beach sounded better than school. But I was a starting forward on the soccer team and had my part to play in the band like everyone else. I'd promised to go to Party A, so even when sexier Party B came strolling along, I stuck to Party A. I'm beginning to wonder if this is a character flaw...this undying commitment to others. Would anyone else on that soccer team or in that band have made the same decision for me? I'll never forget the moment in my life when I truly began to doubt that they would have. I was on the phone with my best friend, and she had to step away for a second. Half an hour later, I was still hanging on the line, utterly shocked that she could actually forget me and promising myself that I would hang up if she didn't pick the phone back up in a minute or 5 or 10. I eventually hung up after about 45 minutes and spent the rest of the night in a daze trying to figure out how she could completely forget to come back to the phone. The next time I saw her, I had to remind her that she'd left me hanging. She laughed. I laughed. Haha...you forgot about me! No big deal! Was this loyalty, or some sort of confounded self-absorbance on my part? Or maybe just simply naivete.
That phone call has occurred over and over again in my life. Maybe not the actual case of being forgotten on the other end of the phone, but plenty of instances of lacking commitment and empty words on the part of people I know. I take everything that my friends say seriously. If someone promises to call in an hour or tomorrow or next week, I assume they're going to make that call. If someone says they want to hear about thus and such, I assume they're going to make the time to listen. If someone says we're going to watch a movie tonight, or go out tomorrow, or take a trip to Europe in 6 months, I start searching for cheap deals to Prague...because when I say those things to someone, I mean them. And if I can't commit to something right away, I make sure to indicate as much. At the VERY least, if I tell you I'm going to meet you tonight, and for some reason out of my control I cannot, I let you know that as soon as possible instead of letting you infinitely wonder why you haven't heard from me.
As I said, I guess a large part of this is just naivete on my part. I try to be as considerate as possible of others, and so I expect the same from them. I'm beginning to think that's especially stupid in my 20s, as everyone seems to be out to take care of #1, and I suppose rightfully so. When else is it so acceptable and so beneficial to be selfish? Certainly not after the kids are on the way. I'm just curious as to why I seem to lag behind all of my peers in forgetting those lessons that were hammered into us in kindergarten. Sharing our toys. Saying "please" and "thank you" and "I'm sorry". Finishing our coloring book page in progress, even if the next one looks more interesting. Abiding by the Golden Rule. When was it that I was supposed to forget? How did I miss the sign?
The result is, it seems, me getting constantly (but ever so politely) stomped into the ground. Phone calls don't arrive, plans are cancelled, promises devoid of meaning. When someone says, "I'll call Tuesday" or "I'll see you this weekend", 8 times out of 10, they're just saying it. It's automatic. While I stew Tuesday night because that call never came, that person has actually never thought again of his statement. In fact, if the statement were resurrected, he would probably have no memory of ever having made it. Now, there are of course those 2 times out of 10 when something actually does come up, when, as my current best friend says, "people have situations to live through." I understand this. No one's life is all about me. Those situations are disappointing, but they don't stab me in the gut. This post is not about them.
The other, seemingly more positive, result is that people state "loyalty" as a reason for enjoying my company. Loyalty. It's the reason people buy golden retrievers or shop at the local hardware store instead of Lowe's. It might sound good on paper, but in my mind, it's only a euphemism for "good dog." You know I won't bite, even if you leave me by myself in the house for a few days with no food. I'll come running to give you kisses, tail wagging and eyes bright, the next time you step through my door. I'm too dumb and too desperate to know better. You really do love me, I know that. You do all the textbook things often enough that I don't doubt that. And in a pinch, you'd be there to take me to the vet. I know that, too. You'd be crushed if anything ever happened to me, and when it ultimately does, you're beside yourself for a few days. In a classic case of not knowing what you had until it's gone, you realize you desperately miss me. So you head out to the animal shelter and find a new puppy, bring him home. You still think of me fondly now and then, but the acute pain fades pretty quickly. I've been replaced.
If the above paragraph seems overly dramatic, it is. But it's meant to make a point. Whether I'm accurate or not about the way people feel about me (or anyone else in their lives, for that matter), the fact remains that from what I've seen, people tend to treat each other with less than that Golden Rule. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person hurt by false promises. Maybe I should just stop taking everyone at face value, or just stop having faith in people altogether, but what am I left with then? I've wondered many times if I should become as flaky as those around me, but time and again I've found myself incapable of that. It's just not in my constitution. It throws me entirely off balance. And what good is tit for tat anyway?
Again, whether the problem is with me not seeing that apparently blatant sign everyone else saw sometime between high school and college or with society as a whole (should that sign even exist?), I don't know. To be sure, I have a number of friends I can count on, especially when it counts, and I am infinitely grateful for them. Many of them have gone out of their way for me on several occasions, and I would never want to diminish the meaning of those people or those instances. But while this post may seem excessively harsh and angry, the truth remains that those day to day disappointments add up. I'm no saint, and I'd never deserve the right to cast the first stone. I'm just honestly curious as to where my mindset went wrong, and if there's anyone else who wonders the same thing.
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