The Climb

I am going to be a prolific writer tonight, which does not say good things about my mental state. I hope this post, however, will counteract the negativity in the last post. For I am askew at the moment not only because of the uncertainties elucidated in that post, but also because I cannot decipher whether those uncertainties are even important.

Today, before I drove to the Oak Island version of my home, I visited a friend. If you know me well enough to spend your precious time reading this blog, then you know who that friend is. Enough said.

As I sit here contemplating my life and as I sat with my friend today, it occurred to me that I am very lucky to be worrying about how I'm going to define my present "home". At this moment, I'm thinking what an asshole I am to be complaining about having to choose from multiple homes when there are people on the planet who do not even have one. It feels like I'm hoarding them. As I sat with my friend today, who fights a daily battle to conquer the mundane life activities which many of the rest of us take for granted, I once again thought, "How dare I depress myself over my perceived 'struggles'? If she's strong enough to wake up every morning and face this frustrating, utterly unfair bullshit, then why the hell am I walking around with my mouth turned upside down and my tail between my legs? Be grateful for all you do have, Megan. Be grateful for this friend, who unknowingly (and, might I add, knowingly, through her writing) reminds you of what is important. Be grateful for all the people who answer the phone when you call for help. Be grateful for the freedom to even worry about these things you're so worried about."

I could launch into several paragraphs about how this friend is an inspiration to me, my friends, her family, all of us. But for several reasons, I will not. Most of all, I might never stop writing. Secondly, it would embarrass her, and she'd destroy me at arm wrestling next time I visit. But seriously, the fact is that she never asked for her lot in life. None of us did. If I'm going to sit here feeling sorry for the privileges with which I've been blessed, then I don't even deserve to have those privileges. My friend perseveres every day so that she can overcome this horribly traumatic wrench that life has thrown her way - because she is the type of person who knows no differently. The point is that I have the choice to either follow her lead and battle through my own stuff or spend time feeling bad about the caliber of importance my stuff has in comparison to hers - or anyone else's.

So the point I'm trying to make, I think, is that things just aren't fair, and until I learn to accept that, I won't be getting anywhere. Feeling lousy because my battles aren't tough enough one second and lousy because they seem too tough the next is simply unproductive and results in a lot of...lousiness. This is where I take my cue from my friend. As amazing as she has been throughout this whole terrible ordeal, she's also been absolutely human. She's been understandably angry, indescribably confused, utterly fearful. And still, for the past 8.5 months, she has been uncommonly patient as she slowly rebuilds all of the pieces of her body that no one had ever thought could become so unglued. Through all of those unsettling feelings of weakness, she has fought.

It is THIS that I learn today. As nasty as things may get around me, I cannot afford to float. I don't have that luxury - none of us do. Life, in all its undulations, is at once beautiful and appalling. Things might not even happen for a reason, after all. Perhaps they just happen, and it's our job to figure out how to make it all work, whatever our circumstances. I think I like the latter approach to life better, as it suggests the necessity for active participation in determining our fates. Even if it's wrong, and we could just sit idly and watch the world go by, what's the use (or fun...or humanity) in that? Perhaps this is the reason we struggle so mightily, even though the payoff is never guaranteed and always limited to the remainder of a lifetime.

To the friend who is the subject of this post - I of course say thank you. Not just because you fight every day to regain life as you (and those who love you) know it. But because you do so honestly, and because while you grit your teeth in battle, you smile. You had a deeper understanding than any of us about the REALLY important things in life long before this ridiculousness happened to you, and you were already busy teaching us. You didn't need to fight a battle to become the person everyone looked to - you already were.